just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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