I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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