Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
