I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
