idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
ttyl tear gas
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
