So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
