Do you still have your period?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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