What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
