i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
