connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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