I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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