May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
