oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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