Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
