She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My liver just had a heart attack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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