Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
