He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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