U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
