We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
