Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
