Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
