i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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