My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
