I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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