im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
