Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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