Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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