she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
