and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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