Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
