My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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