I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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