There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
