Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
