i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
