So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
