I got chris browned last night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
