what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
