Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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