I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
