every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
