so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
