I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
