I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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