I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
