hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
