Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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