I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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