No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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