Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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