i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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