Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We need to get me chipped asap
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
